maybe so...

Friday, May 25, 2012

Condemnation

The eighth chapter of Romans begins with "Therefore, there is no condemnation...". But so often condemnation simply rings in my head. Like a song from the radio that you cannot escape, it is all that I can hear today. All that comes into my mind is black, a voice of accusation; The three year old has not gotten even a hug this morning because you are too busy. The kitchen rug is not right and it won't be for a while because you can't afford a new one. Do you ever have a kitchen that is actually clean? You are selfish to check email. The seven year old is not doing her math problems correctly because you have not required her to write them legibly each time. The six year old is not reading well and you will ruin his life because you have not done more for him. The baby is fussing and it is because you cannot understand what he needs. You don't even know what you want to eat for lunch, much less what you want to get out of life. Your hair looks awful. Can you see all the gray that is growing? You are too lazy to run well. You can't quit coffee even though you think of quitting every day. Your middle child will continue to read life's situations with pessimism because you cannot convince him of your love.
And after going around and around in despair, I cry out. Help. It is too much for me. And then I can see the darkness for what it is really. "For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing." And my sin and despair are keeping me from seeing God, seeing His goodness and love, stepping out of myself and ministering in His name. I have to run and hide when I see the awfulness of me. But there is more to see. "For to set uthe mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace." Set my mind on higher things. Fill me with truth. Not just the little truths of my mistakes but the large TRUTH of your grand renewal of all things that includes me. "Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God who gives me the victory in Christ Jesus." Come and rescue me Spirit. Keep me from myself.

Friday, May 18, 2012

Twinkle, twinkle...

Every night, when I tuck Hannah into bed, she places her hands firmly on each of my cheeks, turning me to face her and asks with a grin:"Would you sing me Twinkle, twinkle?" And every night I sing her Twinkle, twinkle,with the hand motions of course. And every night, she stops me and places her petite pink forefingers and thumbs together to form a diamond and she asks, "Is this a diamond?". Every night. Same shape. Same song. Same motions. She just turned three, and the past few months (these same few months of Twinkle, twinkle repetition), she has often held her bunny during the day and reverted to frequent thumb sucking. I think somehow her world has gotten suddenly fuller, bigger. Every once in a while Hannah will say something very profound while eating cereal or getting dressed. "Daddy was very upset with Henry". And I know she is thinking, she is trying to understand new layers of life. And the bunny, the thumb, the song, the diamond shape...they are things that are staying the same. The truth is, age three or age fifty-three (I'm blissfully somewhere in between), none of us really love change. I can remember an older successful businessman telling Brandon that in his life as a pastor, he would always find people resistant to change. This man described how half of the work of good business was actually work to motivate people to change...to try a new debit card, a new system of managing information, an updated company logo. Hannah has such a joyful happy spirit that her resistance to change doesn't often come in the form of anger and tantrums so characteristic of three year olds. It's a dirty pink bunny dragged everywhere, a quick draw on the thumb, and chronic Twinkle, twinkle requests at night. Makes me wonder...where is my bunny? I feel certain I keep it here somewhere....

Thursday, May 17, 2012

The little luxuries..

There are some small parts of life that I have realized in this time with "littles" I have moved in my mind to the category of a luxury. When present, they are the small signs of a good day, a fun surprise. Things like:

-applying lotion after getting out of the shower

-closing the door completely to use the restroom, blissfully unaware of life on the other side

-painting nails

-applying lipstick (as I write this midday, it is still not yet on...)

-reapplying lipstick

-a haircut at normal and timely interval, say every 6-12 weeks

-sitting down to eat breakfast or lunch

-answering the phone promptly and without concern for the current context

-shopping alone in a store

-browsing in a store, blissfully unaware of time or needs

-sleeping through the night

When I was in residency, I called my bed "the safe place". It was where I could hide from my beeper after a long day of call. I no longer have a safe bed. Now my shower is the "safe place". I always shower when Daddy is at home and I go and close the door. For 10 minutes, I am all alone. The water bill is higher, but it is the luxury I afford myself daily!

Sunday, May 13, 2012

The Beach

The ocean is made for all of us. All ages and sizes, the visual, the tactile, the ones who must move and the ones who must move slowly. I am amazed at how there is a noisemaker for those of us that cannot stand to hear our mind wandering a minute more. Or the unending horizon for when we are trapped in our small life. The imprint of our feet on the coarse wet sand to make some mark, remind us we are affecting things and then the wash of the waves to show that it can all be done over again.....The breeze to help us forget the heat and the strength of the breakers to test our physicality. It was fun to be at the beach this week with six other people, watching each of them react to what they loved of the ocean.

This is a picture with Caroline and Henry on the water on boogie boards. At ages of almost 7 and almost 8, they loved learning how strong and able their bodies are in the waves and water. I watched their excitement to meet the challenge of a wave and run back for another.

Caroline is also a worker-bee, so she spent a lot of time catching minnows. She enjoys animals though, so she spent an equal amount of time watching them swim and didn't really follow me on the logic of us not having a salt-water aquarium at home.

Henry and John Mac spent time with cars all over the shore. Tire tracks are made nicely on sand, much easier to create road systems.

Hannah loved the sand, the feel of the sand, running in the sand, writing in the sand. She spent a lot of time just like this, wondering at it all on her own.

And here is John Mac again, getting messy...something he loves to do almost as much as some of my other children dislike it. You can see William on the edge of this photo. I'm afraid he had to stay busy digging holes this week or he became very upset. But he loved to be productive in digging and was so pleased to carry a large shovel like his big siblings. I think when he's cut his teeth next year he'll be even more fun!

Thank you God for the gift of the ocean.

Monday, April 30, 2012

All in a day

I wrote this last week but didn't want to publish it because it felt like complaining...Now I want to publish it just so one day I can remember how full a day was "when they were all little".

He left before seven. It was dark and quiet still. I started then with the laundry. Load one of a total of five today. (Two loads were linens which makes it easier). Breakfast for all five was done by 8. I did remember my own breakfast today which helps. I really do forget it often in the mix of trying to fix breakfasts while unloading the dishwasher. We dressed, did our chore of cleaning the kids' bathroom and the hall bathroom and started school a little late at 9. We read history, did Bible and poetry all together while William toddled around the room (escaping twice out the open backdoor...Mommy wanted fresh air). Caroline and Henry then did their math and phonics and grammar while I went back and forth between them. I listened while Henry read. We took a morning break of snacks and time outside....during which I rearranged outdoor furniture and somehow got a little nutty and decided to mow the yard. I couldn't find a broom to sweep outside and had to make it all look better somehow. Then we came in and I made three lunches while the big two were able to make their own sandwiches. The dishwasher was emptied and reloaded in the midst of all that. I put the baby down and then listened to second grade reading aloud. Then it was rest time....Did I forget to mention I have been moving around the laundry, folding, as well as loading the back of the car for a trip to Goodwill? I sat with coffee for at least thirty minutes. I did talk on the phone at some point, but I always move or clean while talking because it is great to have a distraction while getting your work done.

Vacation was two days ago. I don't know how to not be numb when moving this much. It was so nice to not do and think of a thousand things at each moment of the day. I even had room for new thoughts, new ideas. Re-entry into the life of a family of seven seems to be dangerous.

Gift Giving

John Mac "walks to the beat of his own drummer", or at least a drummer I don't know and Brandon isn't familiar with either. We are always curious and surprised by his different ideas or ways of seeing things...consequently we never know what he will do or say, or what will excite him. He is a mellow and gentle-hearted fellow, so most days there are only little glimmers of his interests and ideas. The picture above is of him on our hike last week; he sat down to take off his shoes (he wanted to hike barefoot to feel the dirt better) and then he just started playing, forgetting we were all hiking ahead of him. This weekend he went to the birthday party of a friend and I saw him get really excited....about gift giving. I watched as he jumped up and down saying, "Pick the blue package; it's the one from me!". Now honestly, when I give gifts I often don't want to wait and watch them open it....Much less recommend my present to them. Will they like it? Did I pick the right thing? Will they think I spent too little or too much on them? (can you spend too much?) The tension takes the joy right out of my package. But John Mac was thrilled to give his friend Stuart a gift he was excited about. It was a good reminder to me of the real beauty and simplicity of gifts....something you like and you want to share with a friend. This week...it was just the joy of a jet plane and getting to share it with someone who should love it just as much. Hope I get to have the joy of unfettered giving again soon.